


Confusion and Comparisons

by Ja_Levi



Series: Dysfunctional but it works [3]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Other, Pedophilia, Pseudo-Incest, Sex Talk, Sex Toys, Slow Romance, Sorry Not Sorry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:01:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25977883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ja_Levi/pseuds/Ja_Levi
Summary: Diego has an unfortunate turn with his feelings, and when Five finds out, thinks get tense.Cue lots of manipulation, angst and 'Oh shit, the world is still going to end.'
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Diego Hargreeves
Series: Dysfunctional but it works [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1883170
Comments: 8
Kudos: 49





	1. Not a fiddler

**Author's Note:**

> I KNOW THAT IT SAID ERIK BEFORE INSTEAD OF ELLIOT, MY AUTOCORRECT SUCKS.

Klaus raises his head when he hears stumbling coming from the downstairs hallway of Elliott's small abode. He grunts, starting to get up off of the couch. Shuffling quietly to look over the railing, Klaus blinks the sleepiness out of his eyes. There's two figures whispering to each other and Klaus can't make out their face.

He goes to shout for Diego before he squints, realising that Diego is one of the figures standing downstairs. Klaus has to duck down out from view when Diego looks up towards the upstairs floor. "Okay, I don't think anyone is awake. What did you want to talk about? And why did you want everyone out of it?"

A bit of shock fills Klaus when he hears Five's voice speak up. "I need your help. I would ask Klaus but I can't be arsed with his shit. I know that you'll help with no questions asked." Glancing towards the stairs, Klaus deems it safe to shuffle down them to get a closer look. "The fact that you wanted Klaus for help as well means that your problem is fucked as hell."

If Klaus wanted to be caught then he would've let out an offended sound, however he stays quiet. "Shut up, Diego. You're the second kinkiest in this god damn messed up family, that's why I need your help. I wanted everyone asleep so they couldn't hear a fifty eight year old ask a shitty vigilante to buy him fucking sex toys."

Klaus lets out a choked noise and he tenses, watching as the two figures look towards his hiding spot on the stairs. "Who's there? Which one of you is awake?" Standing up hesitantly, Klaus clears his throat. He waves at his brothers, an awkward smile on his face. "Bonsoir," he sings out, trying not to make this interaction any weirder.

Five groans, rubbing his face before he moves to lean against a wall. "Shit. Of course you're awake." Klaus shuffles his feet slightly and Diego sighs a little bit. There's silence for a short while before Klaus breaks it. "So...your teenage body must suck...with puberty and all that, considering that you can't get laid without the FBI locking up your sleep partner."

Snapping, Five narrows his eyes at Klaus. "That's the whole fucking point! That's why I was coming to Spandex for help."  
"Diego isn't at all kinky. He's quite vanilla, Five-o," Klaus says, raising an eyebrow at the two other males. A dark flush covers Diego's face in the dark and he grunts, folding his arms against his chest. A snort leaves Five and an amused smirk fills his face. "Trust me, he's not."

"Quit it! Stop talking about my sex life, and then I'll thank you very much." Klaus tilts his head, a genuine curiosity in his eyes. "How kinky /are/ you exactly?" Grumbling, Diego just ignores Klaus's question. Five places a hand into his own hair, taking a small breath. "He takes it up the ass." Once again, Diego's face gets overcome by a flush. "Five, shut the fuck up! I told you that in a bout of vulnerability, don't tell that shit to Ghostie."

Five waves his hands frantically. "I thought he was asleep, so because you fucked up and let the druggie hear us I get to tell him that you take it up the ass. Is that fair enough for you?"  
"You're an asshole."  
"And you like yours licked," Five snickers before he pushes off of the wall. He begins to walk towards the stairs. "We will not talk about this, ever. Just get me a fucking fleshlight or something. God knows you owe me for shit."

A sigh leaves Diego. "Fine, whatever. Just...be patient. I'll go now. Klaus, with me. You decided to listen to our conversation, so you're involved now with this, congratulations." Shrugging, Klaus walks over to Diego. He pats Diego's ass as he heads towards the door. "Come on then. You know, I think this counts as paedophilia."

Diego glares at Klaus and kicks his ankle before he walks outside towards the car. "Klaus, for once in your fucking life, just shut the fuck up. Please." Klaus snorts and he climbs into the passenger side of the car once the vehicle is unlocked. "If asked, I'm throwing you under the bus."  
"I expect nothing less, coming from you. Yet trust me, I'm just as uncomfortable about it. I know that he needs some kind of release though, and I just want from help him out," Diego says as he gets into the car.

Klaus pats his pants and finds a bent cigarette. He pulls it out of his pocket and he lights it up. "You could've given him a quick handie." Diego freezes up before he gets the chance to start the car. "Klaus, what the actual fuck? You've literally just called this in itself paedophilia, I'm pretty sure that wanking off my brother that's stuck in a thirteen year old body is even worse. Stop talking to me now." 

Taking a drag of his cigarette, Klaus looks at Diego with a calculating gaze. He takes the cigarette out of his mouth and he blows his smoke at the other, the whisps licking at his cracked lips. "You're the one who seems fine with helping him out. I can say whatever the fuck I want." Diego's hands grip the steering wheel as he starts to drive, his jaw twitching in clear annoyance. "I'm just helping a brother out. You'd do the same thing for the others."

Sitting upright in the seat as Diego focuses on the road, Klaus takes another drag of the broken cigarette, this time aiming the smoke into Diego's face. "There's something more than wanting to be helpful. Talk to me, Knife Boy. I think that there's something more...Allison and Luther about this." Diego speeds up harshly before he breaks out of the blue, jolting Klaus forwards into the dashboard. Klaus's face smacks against the hard surface and he feels his nose grow a bit numb.

Letting out a groan, Klaus moves a hand up to his face, wiping his face where blood is now dropping down from. It becomes smeared against his finger tips and he grunts at Diego. "Well, it seems that a little someone hit the mark dead on. I knew you were fucked, but liking children is a new level of low. How bad is your little problem? Bad enough that I need to have you in heavy chains while leashed up against a spiked wall, or can you control your 'urges'?"

Fire flickers inside of Diego's hands. "I don't like kids, for fuck sake. I don't...it's not the fact he's a kid, Klaus, that's truly fucked." Klaus sniffles and grimaces when he feels a burn race through his face as his nose starts to thud dully. "You just like them sassy and bossy. Well, don't worry, I'll keep an eye on you. You don't need a sexual assault charge on your record."

Diego starts driving again, his knuckles white. "I'm not going to hurt him, for fuck sake. I'm not like that. Klaus, I'm not a bad person. I am literally not a paedophile. The fact he's a kid makes me want to get the hell out of dodge." Klaus clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth. He takes one more hit of his cigarette before he flicks it out of the window.

"Sure. Right. That's why you're going to buy him sex toys. Do you plan to only buy him the fleshlight, or what? Why not buy him a dildo as well? Make him practice getting his ass stretched out for you?" Disgust fills Diego and he eventually pulls over to a small, subtle sex shop. It's hard to get them, but Lila showed this place to him (she briefly mentioned it when they passed it at one point).

"Klaus, stop it. This isn't a good talk to have. This is so gross. Just stop it. I don't want to like him, I don't act on anything, I'm a decent person. Stop making it out like I'm like all of those sickos that hunt down kids to touch them. It's..."  
"It's what? It's just a weird coincidence? Listen. I'm not going to tell Five, because we need him. But if you get your hands on him before he's a minimum of fucking seventeen, I'm going to burn your body and eat your ashes. Fair enough for you?"

Diego gets out of the car, slamming the door shut. Klaus scrambles out of the car. He races up to Diego as he walks up to the sex shop. "Answer me. Tell me that you won't touch him, Diego, or I'm sending you back to that nut house." Swinging around to face Klaus, Diego snarls, baring his teeth. "I'm not going to touch him. Now get off of my dick." Opening the door before walking in, Klaus lowers his voice. "I'm not the one that you want on it."

It's awkward and fast in the sex shop, the cashier saying nothing as Diego just pays for one single fleshlight and nothing else. The drive back is just as uncomfortable and silent. The two leave the car and Klaus makes sure to follow Diego as the other goes to find Five, who is currently drinking a small stubby beer at the table.

Diego hands the bag in which the fleshlight was packed in to Five, glancing away from the teen bodied male. Klaus is watching him silently, eyes accusing him of something that he hasn't even done. Five thanks Diego, a sigh of relief leaving him. "Thank fuck. The dry spells have been horrible lately and it sucks going through this all over again. If I need more help, I'll definitely come and find you."

Klaus's eyes follow him to the couch, where Diego lies down and closes his eyes, his stomach tight with unease. Klaus walks past the couch and coos at him, his hostile voice sugar coated with a purr. "I don't trust you, Knife Boy," he says before he heads to Elliott's bedroom, where a spare blanket was put down for Klaus.

After a while, there's shuffling by the space behind the couch and Diego sits up, eyes open once again. Diego's gaze meets Five's and he feels his lips twitch into a small frown. "Can I help you, or can I sleep?" Narrowing his eyes at his brother, Five walks around the other side of the couch, pushing Diego's legs away enough so he can sit down. "Klaus is acting suspicious. Like the time when Allison brought her first boyfriend home. Or that time when he was trying to find out who stole his junior class cakes. What the hell is going on with him?"

Diego takes a small breath and he looks away from Five, really not having the energy for this conversation right now. However he doubts he'll ever have the energy to talk about the fact that why his bisexual whore brother is acting suspicious is because he thinks that he, a well of mind vigilante, is a paedophile, especially towards the brother who is in a teenage body.

"Well? You're hesitating."  
"He's on his period."  
"Diego."  
"He's on the stuff again."  
"/Diego/."  
"He's messing with us."

Snarling in annoyance at Diego's dancing around the issue, Five sends his brother a death glare. "What do you know? Either you tell me or your fingers are going to be used as earrings." Using anything to move onto a new topic, Diego glances at Five's ears. "But your ears aren't even pierced." Five doesn't seem to raise to the bait, staying onto the main subject at hand.

"Then I'll get them pierced. Now tell me what the hell is going on with our druggie brother." Diego sighs slightly and he chews the inside of cheek for a moment. "He thinks something fucked up." Raising an eyebrow, Five shuffles slightly to get a bit more comfortable on the couch. "What does he think, Diego? What is so absurd and so fucked that you can't just blurt it out at me?"

Diego grunts quietly and moves a hand to his face. "He thinks that I'm a...a paedophile." Not even changing his stance, Five tilts his head slightly at Diego. "Well? Are you?" Spluttering before shaking his head, Diego responds, his voice an almost urgent plea to be understood. "Five, of course I'm not!"

Shrugging a little, Five rubs his nose. "Then why are you losing your shit? Ignore Klaus. Unless you're going to like, touch or hurt a kid, I see no issue with whatever you're into. Kinks are one thing, crime is different."

Diego groans. "Shut up about my sex life, again."  
"There's nothing wrong about talking about your sex life, Diego, it's actually healthy. And that's coming from me."  
"That makes it a little worse."  
"Why? How?"  
"Because it gives him things to jack off on," a voice hisses. Klaus reappears from Erik's sleeping area, glaring directly at Diego, who is tensing up and clenching his teeth. 'I thought that you weren't going to tell him anything,' Diego's eyes are screaming at Klaus, who seemingly ignores it.

Five raises his eyebrows and he blinks. "Excuse me?" Klaus walks into the room, clearly having not been able to fall asleep and he walks behind where Diego is sitting. "This one," he says, forcing out a small giggle. "Wants you to be the Allison to his Luther."  
"How dry are you? You've got an obsession with saying that, for fuck sake."  
"Incest is incest, I'll make the comparison all I want. Would you rather that I start singing 'Sweet Home Alabama'?" he growls lowly.

Diego's eyes are avoiding Five when the other looks at him. "No fucking way. No way. That's why he thought you were a paedophile? Because you have a thing for me? Explain what the fuck is going on." Standing up, Diego runs his hands through his own hair, tugging at it. He paces around for a small while.

"I don't...I don't like kids, I want that to be blatantly fucking clear right now. It's not because you're a kid. I don't know why or when I started feeling...something for you, but yeah, whatever, I have a 'thing' for you. Or something. That's not why I helped you with the whole sex toy thing, and that's not why I told you about my sex life a while back, I'm not that kind of person."

Getting up off of the couch, Five narrows his eyes and he walks slowly closer. "What kind of person are you then?" Shrugging helplessly, Diego waves his hands frantically around in front of him. "I don't know!" Watching the chaos unfold, Klaus decides it's time to leave the two brothers. He's too lazy for this.

Five walks even more closer. "That's not an answer. What kind of person are you, Diego?" Conflicted eyes meet Five's gaze. "A bad one, I fucking guess! Listen, I didn't tell you because you're my fucking brother, and a child. I wasn't ever going to tell you because I was confused and I didn't fucking have a clue as to why I like you. This isn't normal and I'm not going to act on it. You have to trust me man!" 

Snarling, Five bares his teeth, feeling so weird and out of place by knowing that his brother, who he's told about being horny (in detail, mind you), who's carried him home while he's been drunk, who is a grown ass man, likes him. "Well, you can't blame him if I don't believe you. I'm leaving."

Diego goes to stop him, but Five just teleports. Shit, he needs some air.


	2. Bitter as coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's really rushed, ha -👑

Five leans against the booth seat, nursing a cup of coffee as he thinks, trying to figure out just what the fuck happened bad at Elliott's place. Taking a sip of his drink, his seventh to be precise here, Five narrows his eyes. His brother has a 'thing' for him and it slipped under his very own nose. How peculiar and strange.

The fact that it was left undetected by Five is a small miracle, and it makes Five think that maybe he should stop trying to beat himself up for not analyzing every little thing. After all, humans weren't created to be analyzed, they were made to analyze. Complicated as that sounds to him inside of his own head, he knows that he can't keep examining everyone's behaviour in hopes to learn something.

Once his mug is empty, Five calls for another cup, his hand shaking from the amount of caffeine he's consumed when he waves to the waitress. A small, somewhat hazy memory flickers inside of him. He remembers one night, years ago, back when Diego was his age. Diego was smoking, having stolen a packet of cigarettes off of Klaus in secret, just wanting to see what the fuss was about. Five remembers catching him, snickering at him.

"You shouldn't smoke. They'll end up killing you and when you die, well...Klaus will kill you again for stealing those cigarettes." Diego dropped the cigarettes and frowned back then, knowing that Five was right.

A bit of curiosity fills Five as another coffee is placed in front of him. Maybe he could convince Diego that he's still in the right to this day, and perhaps he can find a way to control Diego through this 'thing' in order to slowly get Diego's attraction to him to go away. It's worth a shot. However first, he wants to know why Klaus jumped the gun so quickly.

It's not that Five isn't grateful that Klaus spoke up about Diego's 'thing' for him, but he's curious as to why his brother is so bothered. It can't be the 'Oh, but you were raised as siblings, so you're incestuous if you're together!' because Klaus has dated actual twins, both at once. Five heard that after eavesdropping, and boy, was that not pleasant.

The waitress comes over and frowns at the young bodied male. "I'm sorry Sir, but for your own health we can't provide more coffee. After all, this amount of coffee already is going to leave you in a quite uncomfortable state. I think that it's best that you go home. It's close to dawn and we need to clean up for our day customers, and you'll be feeling sick soon enough. We don't need to be cleaning up vomit from the tiles if you're sick."

Grumbling at being interrupted from his, in his experienced mind, important and crucial thinking, Five grabs a couple of five dollar notes, tossing them at the waitress. He doesn't even consider the fact that coffee is not as over priced as it is in his usual timeline and he ignores the waitress's face of astonishment at the money as he leaves the diner. Five decides to just walk back. After all, his focus today is just finding his father and talking to Klaus.

He knows that to find his father he'll probably need Diego with him, so talking to Klaus first is going to be a must. A sigh leaves him and when he reaches the top of the street he decides, 'Enough stalling,' and he teleports to Elliott's.

Clenching his stomach with his hand, Five doubles over and stretches out a hand to rest onto a wall in the downstairs part of the building. Bile climbs his throat but he swallows it back down, grimacing. "Fuck, I shouldn't have done that. I should have just walked," he mumbles before he slowly stands up right.

When he climbs the stairs, he spots Diego at the table, drinking apple juice. He covers his face and hurries to Elliott's bedroom. Sneaking in, Five kneels down beside Klaus, who is asleep. "Oi, shit for brains, wake up." He taps Klaus's arm and the other twitches, waking up due to being startled. "Hey, don't do that to a man! What do you want?"

Five shushes his brother and he glares at him. "I need to talk to you about something. Your behaviour. It's been incredibly strange and I need a fucking explanation. No weird shit. Just tell me why you've been so...fucking...weird. You usually don't blurt shit out like you did earlier with this weird situation."

Rubbing his eyes, Klaus sits up slowly and he gives Five a short stare before he lies down on the makeshift bed again. "Ben told me that Diego was being creepy about you. I didn't see anything, as I haven't been paying attention to anyone else because," he cuts himself off with an airy laugh. 

"I'm what Ben called a 'narcissist.' Which I," he cuts himself off again to tilt his head against the pillow, placing a hand on his chest. "Find hilarious. Me, a narcissist? I was like, 'Ben, pal, I fucking /hate/ myself!'"

Klaus giggles before he steadily grows quiet. Letting out a sigh, Five awkwardly places a hand next to Klaus's head, patting the space as if to symbolise patting Klaus for comfort. 

"A narcissist is someone obsessed with themselves. They don't necessary love themselves, they just think about themselves more than others. You're a narcissist, but in a self destructive way, not in an overall destructive way. Anyway, so it was Ben who told you something was up?"

Nodding, Klaus closes his eyes. "Yeah. It was our favourite little Casper." Klaus sounds tired and Five realises that it's best to just leave his brother be now. He won't get anything else out of him for the time being. He sighs as he gets up and leaves the room quietly.

"Don't avoid me like that, Five," a gentle voice says and Five nearly smacks himself in the face for forgetting that Diego is sat at the table. Not facing him, Five straightens his tie. "I'll do as I wish. I have things to do. I'm going to go get Luther, and I am going alone. I don't need any company, so stay here until I have some kind of use for you."

Letting out a slight grunt, Diego twitches his nose and he stares at his drink of apple juice. "Don't tell me what to do. I'm not a child, Five-" Whipping his head around, Five sends his brother a sharp glare, which cuts him off as Diego casts his gaze up to meet Five's eyes. 

Five points a finger as Diego and he makes his voice into a low, threatening growl. Taking a step closer to the table, Five snarls at Diego in an attempt to make it know that /he/ is the one in charge. "You will be a loyal puppy and you will do as told when your superiors give you an order. Now sit, and stay put. I'm sure that you don't need any training. And if you do, then I trust that Klaus can teach you to listen."

Closing his eyes, Diego grits his teeth together. "You are not my superior, you're just a pain in my ass. Don't compare me to a mutt, Five, you're the height of a toddler. If you just please let me explain every-" He reopens his eyes when he hears a zap. He looks around and he quickly realises that Five is now gone, blue flickers in the place that he was just standing in. 

Tightening his jaw, Diego rolls his shoulders. "...fucking snotty nosed brat, pain in the back of my neck, Mister 'I'm so much older and better than you,' whatever..." Diego remains seated while he bitterly mulls over what to say and do. "'Stay put,' he says," he grumbles to himself. Well, it isn't like he can do anything but listen to his brother. Damn it.

**Author's Note:**

> Levi is the one writing this since Jamiey is writing 'Tastes Better Young.' Levi is paying Jamiey because Jamiey hates these ships but is willing to do it anyway.


End file.
